When I tend to get stuck on writing, I’m usually thinking about someone else reading it. I think about what parts not to say, what to keep concealed for fear of being found out. Found out to be, whatever I am that is undesirable. So I’ll tuck sentences away, and bolster other words instead until I’m muted completely. Stuck, thinking about the outcome. I want to write words that resonate and mean something to someone. When I’m off track, I’m stuck on justifying myself through my writing. And then I get to the point of justifying my writing, in true Raison d’être fashion. But this has never been my style. I don’t have an elaborate answer, or a why. I write because of what the words mean to me and what they mean about me. I just write. Magical things happen when I write, but they are not why I write.
Every time we remember something, we don’t remember the actual event, we remember the last time we remembered that event. When I write, I re-remember something about me. Some lost part of me, some idea, notion or dream that I tucked away in my day-to-day life for fear of judgment, or perhaps because I’m judging myself. Writing helps me to be intentional about accepting all parts of myself. The next time I remember this feeling, it will have new meaning, meaning that I wrote. Each word a gentle letting go of the past, each letter one less slipped second into the future. It keeps me present. When I write it creates space between me and my experiences, thoughts, worries and desires.
It can be easy for me to forget that I am separate from the aforementioned mental constructs. I think too much and writing keeps me mindful. Reciprocally, incorporating mindfulness [non-judgment, present-moment awareness, intention] into my writing has made me a better writer. Better writing has made me a better communicator which improves all aspects of my life. As a therapist, I encourage my clients to exercise their basic personal rights; one being the right not to justify yourself to others. Magic can happen when we stop justifications, when we accept that whatever is has a right to be. When I write just to write, I write like nobody is reading. I do it to be fully myself, without justification. In these honest expressions, I get the opportunity to reflect, to observe myself through the looking glass of a cheap laptop screen.
Because I’m too self-conscious and have little rhythm on my feet, I let my words dance for me. I write because I do. And when I do, my words dance like nobody’s watching.